Monday, 29 April 2013

Self Loathing

Lately it seems as though everything I write is brutal. Even things I wrote in the moment that I thought were brilliant, now I think are horrendous. With each word I transfer from the page into type, I feel this self loathing for my writing I rarely experience. I always have a feeling here and there that something is not my best work but never quite to this extreme. It's annoying but I'm not really too worried about it

I figure that it's  a pretty standard artist thing to hate your own work at some point. Eventually you're faced with a moment where you think your art is not what it once was, or seeing it in a different light, or that it never was what you imagined. However, I will not let this defeat me. I will power through because I know what I am capable of, I know what I can write and if that means having to go back through my entire manuscript and trade everything back in for third person (which is what I've been feeling the need to do lately again) I will do it despite the insanity of leafing through 38,000 words and completely reworking them....again.

Why, the third person is calling to me again I'll never know but I think a lot of it is based on the fact that most of my day to day writing is done in the third person. I'm experienced with it, I know what to do, how to make things flow. I have little to no experience in first person aside from journal keeping, which let me tell you is not so difficult when you're writing about yourself and knowing that likely no one is ever going to lay eyes on it except for maybe you, in the future.

I think I'm slowly becoming aware of the fact that if I want this to succeed it needs to be the best that I can do and for whatever reason I'm suddenly looking back and thinking, some of this is not the best I can do. Annoying, frustrating and hopefully I'm not the only self loathing writer out there right now. I know that I should finish the story first completely before I start to worry about any sort of re-writes at least that way I'll have my full completed fundamental base and from there I can go about editing and changing things, it's just so hard to get myself to that point when I can't stand anything that I'm writing.

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